Today on Pilsdon Pen

So today I made some delicious scones to have with clotted cream and jam, and suggested we go on a picnic.Sunny day, and as it goes, my 19th wedding anniversary.Next thing I know I am suggesting we ask 'Dad' aka my soon to be ex, if he would like to come with us. This being the only way I could guarantee Taster Minor would come along. Also because I am still desperately being Susan ( Sarandon) in this whole schtick.Seen the film 'Stepmom' where she befriends ex husband's younger (Julia Roberts) squeeze? Anyway, we are talking saintly and halo wearer extraordinary.Phonecall from 'Dad' in which he basically takes that pompous tone about how he is considering it, but only if I..(I interrupt here)I consider telling him to Eff Off but instead reply brightly 'Of course'.Goes without saying. I am hardly going to invite him so I can have a big row and ruin the boys picnic.Dohhh. Durr.Anyway I have 2nd and 3rd thoughts like ..remind me why I am doing this? But always keeping Susan ever uppermost and For the Sake of the Boys; and of course
(natch) to prove (again) that I shoulda been allowed to go the goddamned 50th thing that I was banned from attending. So. How did it go? Surprisingly well.Amazingly. But obviously a lot to do with the fact we were always and primarily platonic and parental in all our interactions from the time they were first born.Which was fine by me, but He decided he wanted to supplement this with some 'action' in Manc on the side.To this day I cannot imagine giving up my family for sex, but hey, I'm not Him, so there we go. I also cannot comprehend why he never discussed this with me before embarking on that path, as *surely* you'd realise that Mrs would object to being the main provider (financially) for the ExtraMarital? He actually mentioned today being strapped for cash which made me LOL inside, as he was so used to living on my wages and using his for ..ahem..other things. Including shares in USA. Other items of interest: house ( former marital) not yet sold, but seems likely to be soon surely? And then what will happen about the visits to and by the sons? he said today he would 'sleep in the car'. How would that work? He comes to collect son and they go ..where? To do what? Bearing in mind winter cometh, and so long walks or beach BBQs less tempting. I am dreading the thought that the sons will be req'd to Go to Manc for a visit. But equally, I rather think they might say CBA to that idea.

''Anger is a waste of energy''

Today my son tells me he was talking about his feelings re his exam results, his sense of rage, etc; whereupon the new Manc Hippychick tells him 'Anger is a waste of energy'. My son is not a master of self expression but did say how very 'Hippy' this remark was, in the worst way. I was picturing a Yoda- type utterer of similar non sequiteurs, the sort of pseudo- profound but basically 'shut up I don't want to give your feelings any air space'remark that deserves a hefty toe punt. Belittling, dismissive, and frankly hugely patronising in a superior 'guru' way.Next to 'Cheer Up' it gets my vote for a Pan in the Face. Anyway in the interests of fairness I mused on the sentiment for a bit, and asked myself is 'anger a waste of energy' in fact? Or is it a) an engine for change and b) a self defence mechanism to prevent harm to ourselves and our loved ones and c) a natural human response which must be dealt with and addressed and not bottled up, dismissed or denied. I also mused on how angry the Superior One would feel if anything happened to upset her current rather jammy idyll. In the situation as described the anger he felt could be used to energise him to ensure the sense of failure was not repeated with his GCEs. Ah well. Learn, you will; as Yoda would say.

30th August 19th wedding anniversary ( would have been).

30th August 1991
Moved out, moved on, moving.
What were we expecting to happen?
No longer married, you said.
How can that be?
Like twins conjoined we brought life into the world
Those lives would not be, but for us
Our blood, our genes, our mingled lives and theirs
Easy to say 'divorce'?
Almost as easy as 'married'.
How does this new dance go?
We thought we knew the steps for 'married' but 'divorced' is new ground.
How do we move? How do we go on being parents but apart now?
Teach me how to make it work
Our children need us now more than they did before
They are hurt and grieving for the loss of what they had
Not knowing who to support and how, who to be with angry with, who made this pain?
The boys need a father in their lives to show them how a man should be
Where is he? Far away, in miles and in mind
Teach them how to be men.

This new swollen 'aged chipmunk' face

Well the Gods have seen fit to punish me by giving me Trigeminal Neuralgia. Do google it, it is aka as 'the suicide disorder'. Imagine the drill slips and the injection to deaden the nerves hasn't worked. Add sinusitis, earache and headache, turn them up to 11 on the scale. So this has been for the past 6 days. I go to Docs and he confirms my fears, gives me 3 boxes of codeine which say 'Don't take for more than 3 days, risk of addiction'. I am now on Day 5 of continual painkillers. Couldn't go to the eagerly anticipated 40th birthday celebration 'bash' in Pangbourne. Not MY 40th..I am officially over the Hill and Far Away.
Sons both receive the exam results, A levels and GCSEs respectively. OMG. NOT good news. What else? I am officially a NON person and have to drop my sons off for the Grandparent's 50th wedding 'do' ( irony) and I am persona non grata. I was merely the vessel in which the 'ordered' children were gestated. To be clear: I was told in 1990 'no kids, I'm off'. Since then the situation has been somewhat reversed, with me being principal carer and Him off 'on business trips' or with his secretary ( in Edinburgh) and now, the infamous Manc Bint, who it seems is a Hippy as well as a Nympho (who advertised on sex only websites for similar sex addicts). I still cannot for the life of me reconcile 'she works at a women's refuge' with 'She's fine with going with married men with two kids'. Oh well. I guess I'm old fashioned.

Space sluts in the slammer.

Odd title today. Feeling odd in fact. I have entered the slough of despond and been bitten on the bum by the snake of false hopes. After the 'do you forgive me' question asked on the phone by the Ex and the Non- Invite to the 50th wedding bash, whereon I was relegated to the Bertha Rochester role, I have indeed raved, ranted and generally been very wild. Not unlike a rockstar of the Ozzy Osborne type. And equally unattractive, let's face it. I was taken on a rollercoaster by the 'forgive ' question and weirdly today I recalled a number of incidents from the past that certainly DID merit a huge kick up the arse, eg the time he set up a meet with the hippychick -that had been our childminder!- while I was up in Scotland looking after our two wains then aged 6 and 4. Occurred to me that this current shagbag must be a veritable clone of the tangled haired cheesecloth wearer and reeking of patchouli and josssticks, not to say the weed. O Glorious Memory. Hmm. Ah well plus ca change, as the French say. Pass me the Forgetting Pill and roll on sweeter days.

Christians and divorce. The Rools.

According to this 'ere book I have here written by a Christian ; there are only two valid reasons for divorce and one is 'porneia' or marital unfaithfulness. However you *should* forgive and aim to reconcile even in that case. The other reason is if one is an 'unbeliever' and seeks to leave the marriage, the believer is not then 'bound' by his covenant as formerly.
Covenant and convenience.
This opened my eyes as it turns out I saw marriage as a covenant and He saw it as a convenience, like, Okay *until* or *unless* but I saw it as 'I swore to stay together no matter what'.
Other things will indicate the likelihood of divorce.Namely the answers to these questions:-
Do you feel happy in the marriage? Is there a more desirable alternative? and lastly 'Does everyone else seem to be encouraging divorce?'
Reconciliation is only possible if both want to do it.
However some level of reconciliation and forgiveness must occur or you damage yourself and rmain bitter and twisted out of shape and cannot form new relationships.
So next step is to forgive the latest slap which is: I will not be present at the Family Occasion this weekend and my sons will be in the photos with the Girlfriend from Manc. Occasion is the 50th wedding anniversaryof the in- laws.
Got to say I feel seriously angry about thissun as I have done my utmost to keep the grandparents in the boys' life, while He has Not. Even to the extent he was in their town with C and *would not * drop him off for a visit. They live on the t'other side of the country please note.
Oh well I guess I must retain my chilly position on Moral High Ground even though it be freezing up here.
brrrrrrrrrr