Space sluts in the slammer.

Odd title today. Feeling odd in fact. I have entered the slough of despond and been bitten on the bum by the snake of false hopes. After the 'do you forgive me' question asked on the phone by the Ex and the Non- Invite to the 50th wedding bash, whereon I was relegated to the Bertha Rochester role, I have indeed raved, ranted and generally been very wild. Not unlike a rockstar of the Ozzy Osborne type. And equally unattractive, let's face it. I was taken on a rollercoaster by the 'forgive ' question and weirdly today I recalled a number of incidents from the past that certainly DID merit a huge kick up the arse, eg the time he set up a meet with the hippychick -that had been our childminder!- while I was up in Scotland looking after our two wains then aged 6 and 4. Occurred to me that this current shagbag must be a veritable clone of the tangled haired cheesecloth wearer and reeking of patchouli and josssticks, not to say the weed. O Glorious Memory. Hmm. Ah well plus ca change, as the French say. Pass me the Forgetting Pill and roll on sweeter days.

Christians and divorce. The Rools.

According to this 'ere book I have here written by a Christian ; there are only two valid reasons for divorce and one is 'porneia' or marital unfaithfulness. However you *should* forgive and aim to reconcile even in that case. The other reason is if one is an 'unbeliever' and seeks to leave the marriage, the believer is not then 'bound' by his covenant as formerly.
Covenant and convenience.
This opened my eyes as it turns out I saw marriage as a covenant and He saw it as a convenience, like, Okay *until* or *unless* but I saw it as 'I swore to stay together no matter what'.
Other things will indicate the likelihood of divorce.Namely the answers to these questions:-
Do you feel happy in the marriage? Is there a more desirable alternative? and lastly 'Does everyone else seem to be encouraging divorce?'
Reconciliation is only possible if both want to do it.
However some level of reconciliation and forgiveness must occur or you damage yourself and rmain bitter and twisted out of shape and cannot form new relationships.
So next step is to forgive the latest slap which is: I will not be present at the Family Occasion this weekend and my sons will be in the photos with the Girlfriend from Manc. Occasion is the 50th wedding anniversaryof the in- laws.
Got to say I feel seriously angry about thissun as I have done my utmost to keep the grandparents in the boys' life, while He has Not. Even to the extent he was in their town with C and *would not * drop him off for a visit. They live on the t'other side of the country please note.
Oh well I guess I must retain my chilly position on Moral High Ground even though it be freezing up here.
brrrrrrrrrr

The self help fascism

So I got this book out of the library about CBT I think it's called, and how you are meant to conduct a relationship.
Liked some of it, but kept thinking: why wasn't I given this on my wedding day??
Why doesn't anyone make sure you know this stuff?
It's all pretty clear and simple and seems pretty much idiot proof.
F'r instance.
How to talk, how not to row, how to get what you want said to be listened to, how to arrive at solving problems in the bedroom.
Example: If he wants more sex than you, have a set night for sex and try and stick to it.
eg once a week on a Friday. The argument that it 'takes away the spontaneity' is answered by saying : There isn't spontaneity anyway, as always it's one who has to initiate the sex when you think about it. And it takes away the arguments and tension, knowing it's going to happen and getting your head ready for it, kind of thing. It's a nice compromise.
I wonder IF we had read this goddamn book would we be going through this nightmare, with all the associated legal bills and sons upset and all that schtick.
Other idea: Set aside ten minutes or 30 minutes talking time a day or week, in which items are discussed and 'actioned' eg I want you to clean the toilet , and him: I want you to suggest positions in bed, or whatever.
This is the model for all meetings so why expect marriages to be somehow magically and telepathically charmed in a silent and intuitive pas de deux?
He did cite 'lack of communication' for the reason our marriage went down the pan, but ..who was making that not happen? Both of us, in fact. But I DID try, and ..oh well. Then the book goes into how divorce should be avoided as much as humanly possible as it like bereavement only worse and has all these associated health problems ..eeekkk!
WHY did no one tell us this?
Everyone tells us to get divorced, give up, split up , start over- but secretly everyone knows it's at least TWO years of misery, grief, anger, regrets, loneliness, angst, nostalgia, self loathing, more anger, sickness, nausea, insomnia, panic attacks! And that's even for those of us who KNEW it was the right thing to do! Never mind the financial cost and the effect on the kids. Aaargh. AND men seem to have the full range of ages available to choose from but who wants a tired old divorcee in her 50s with a fat arse and two teenagers? Oh dearie dearie me.

Hitting a wall

Had a feeling today like in a marathon ( presumably, not that I've ever run one in fact) when you 'hit the wall'. This feels like not so much 'going backwards' as 'stuck' and unable to do this 'moving on' lark that's much advocated.
Feeling huge anger today as well, mostly against the Ghit and his chav nympho obviously, but also more general malaise for the wide world at large.
Sense of unfairness and why can't I have all this hedonistic pleasure that the rest of the bluddy population seem to have in shedloads.
Decided ( again) that sex is vastly over rated and also..eeep..getting naked, and looking at the other bod, also naked? Eeep and ewwww.
Have to shift to plan B.

The bucket

Salad bowl
=huge tupperware cake container, which occasioned much and many stares and offensive comments today in the staffroom, involving me sat on a low comfy chair with a queue of folk sneering, staring in my 'bucket' and really making really annoying comments, such as
'What's all that in there? What are you eating? Why have you got such a big one?'
and other punch-able remarks.
I told them to sling their hooks, but oddly they were unfazed by my truculence.

The eggplantinspace

If you actually wrote that article about 'Star Wars' I am humbled by your wondrousness. If not, I am still humbled by whoever *did* write it.
Anybody reading this blog should instantly click on 'eggplantinspace' and 'Love or Hate Movies'.
Got me to thinking ..there are those 'love or hate' aka 'Marmite' things in life, be it The Royle Family, Simon Pegg, The Beatles, or Jazz! To answer anybody wondering:- Hate,love,hate, hate.
I also LOVE Bill Bryson, Shakespeare, hedgehogs, Ireland, and canal holidays.
Hate: chewing gum, smokers, little yappy dogs, overtakers, The Godfather films and football.
I rather think I hate more things than I like.
This can't be good, can it?
Memories and images I can't get out of my head:
the little figure in the pond in 'Don't look now'.

My mum and the stopper

Well today's happenstance is twofold; firstly Mum and the prolapse and secondly Himself (El Ghitt) and the stalling of the financial 'reveal' by demanding he sees mine before I see his, all this via expensive solicitor emails. I would LOL as he knows only too well I have no money as I put it in the joint account and he spent it, on ( drum roll) hotels and sex websites, so very LOL indeed.
Mum has been to 4 different Drs who told her she had cystitis and *finally* she gets an examination at A&E and at last a GP can spot a prolapse , and don't forget she already got an internal exam by a woman GP before this, so wtf?
Phew.
Busy times.
Must hoover now before the Drama workshop..anyone reading this who lives near enough; the Arabian Nights at Bridport Art Centre on 25th July, if I haven't grossed you out with my weird life.
Adios amigos.
Oh- the stopper, this is the 'pessary' gag, which is the interim measure for womb prolapse. Oh dearie dearie me.